Witton Albion JFC

The Witton manager dived to new depths of grumpiness before kick-off against Grappenhall Red on Sunday lunchtime: menial task of cleaning and filling the water bottles – grrrr, allocated car parking space taken by another driver - grrrrrr, pitch not fully available on arrival – grrrrrrrrrrr, defender outgrown his boots – grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, whiteboard marker pen missing – meltdown. As the sedatives were administered, Grappenhall arrived under the leadership of Mike and John, who remembered the first ever competitive fixture in the Mid-Cheshire League for both clubs back in 2011 – a wacky 7-2 win for the Warrington team over two games of mini soccer, with the reds undefeated against the plucky Albs hitherto.

The first half opened with Grappenhall dominating and the Albion seemingly reluctant to engage physically, so it was lucky that going forward Witton were ruthless. After a great through ball from Elliot W, Keegan knocked home the first – interestingly, via both posts – before Jack was released by Sam H and stalked through the defence to unleash an unstoppable left foot shot. “That’s down to my warm up that is” shouted the Chief. Despite several excellent crosses by Tom A and early battling by Tommy C, Grappenhall scored an excellent goal before Dan H smacked home a far post shot and Keegan bundled home another. After Thomas launched a shot into onto the roof of the neighbouring sports centre, the Witton midfield opened their weekly “all you can eat buffet” and allowed the Reds (curiously, playing in blue) to carve out two more goals before half time.

The half time team talk largely consisted of moaning along the lines of: “can you please start defending all over the pitch”. This instruction was ignored later in the half, but as Theo decided to have a play in his size 13 beach sandals and joined up with Harry to develop their fantastic defensive partnership, the Albs were suddenly irrepressible in attack with Keegan completing his hat-trick following great battling from Fin O and Ollie in midfield. There followed a neat “goal sandwich” as Grappenhall blasted home and then Dan H burst through the beleaguered defence for his second, followed by a controversial goal as Elliot J cleared from the line but it was ruled to be a goal. He had the last laugh, with a fantastic low stop and a flick over the bar as Grappenhall pressed hard. Once the Goalie Coach had completed his double somersault with half pike routine (4.2), Luke “I’m a bit knackered but I can do what you want” was thrown back onto the pitch in his third position of the day in holding midfield by “contributing” an Ayrton Senna to the FA money trough. That tackle, however, gave stability at the back of the midfield leading to Finn H charging through the opposition and Ollie passing forward for another breakthrough as Nathan slotted home for the final goal.

“That’s a game for the neutrals”; muttered the manager from the confines of his strait-jacket after being certified as completely hatstand just after the 4th goal of the “lesser seen 7-5” match. Not much wrong going forward for this fast developing side, but much to do off the ball. “We’re looking for talent from you lot” stated the every hungry Witton Chairman John Salmon on a scouting mission. The last word was left to the Chief, who (honestly and genuinely) stated: “I’ll take that”.


Captain’s man of the match: Thomas
Managers man of the match: Dan H
Magic moment: Tom A slider in second half
Quote of the day: “I’ve seen more energy in a nursing home”
Bottle king (denotes person delegated to water bottle duty): Elliot W