Witton Albion JFC

With the grumpy manager’s press ban lifted after Club Chairman Pete Harman stepped in to read the riot act to the malingering ne’er-do-well, reports on the Witton Wolves can now continue. Witton gaffers Pont and Paton came down to monitor the doomsayer, ensuring that appropriate notes were taken and pictures obtained for the post-match press conference. “Nobody ever turns up anyway” griped the manager as the Daily Express Sports Editor sauntered past behind him.

Fears that the previous weeks’ mudfest had ruined the pitch were banished as the boys took to the pitch against old friends Egerton Tatton, whose gaffer Ian turned up and then hot-footed it to Wembley announcing: “I’m off to watch some decent football”. This left League Chairman Martin in charge, with the Witton Management team bowing, kow-towing and on their best behaviour for once. The Wolves started strongly as usual and Lewis opened proceedings with a smartly taken goal when everyone else stood still, a great example of playing to the whistle. Although the forward line-up was a bit wonky, the management tinkered and it paid off as Thomas started to exploit the left with a fantastic early pass into the box for the second. Alex was cleverly spraying out early passes and Ewan was producing some fantastic blocks as well as his trademark skills and passes on the flank. Although Egerton were able to grab 2 goals, Witton thundered back with another Lewis goal and then a stunning top corner free-kick from Dan the Man, celebrated in style with a somersault as per management orders.

The Chief exhorted the troops at half-time and this time it worked as Elliot J kept a clean sheet including an impressive reaction save after being urged to “show some energy” by the Christmas Elf, whilst Sergeant Wilko produced a fantastic battling performance in midfield alongside Finn who was returning from a lengthy layoff. Tom A started creating some useful line balls and Lewis fed upon them hungrily, scoring 3 more including a technically excellent run in the box for the fifth. Keegan, running tirelessly for the team, was able to smash in from an early cross and Thomas also joined in the plunder with a close range effort. Although the devastating strike team won the plaudits, it was built on a very solid defensive display, with Noah and Luke producing some divine interceptions and generating a real sense of calm at the back.

Captain’s man of the match: Ewan
Managers man of the match: Lewis
Magic moment: Sweeping move from the back involving Alex, Ewan, Keegan, Thomas and then Lewis for the goal.
Quote of the day: “Oi stop strolling around like you’re smoking a big cigar and start running” (from a previous match but such good quality that it needs to be recorded).