Witton Albion JFC

Bookies favourite Claire A took advantage of missing rivals Koulis “bite ya bacon” and Jimmy “2 goals” Cripps to claim the prize of being the first to get a purchased-all-day-breakfast-barm (translation: roll) at the inaugural Witton Albion Sunday café opening. In a cruel double act, the Chief left the manager’s houmous on the roof of his car – thus denying hungry punters a spicy sauce topping to their sausage or bacon baps (translation: rolls). In another shocking development, the old Witton gazebo surfaced, wobbled then rose splendidly on the turf (last seen at Formby in 2013) and, as the monsoon rains fell, the fathers quickly gathered under it after booting out the pesky mothers and children. Frodsham strolled up in dribs and drabs with a smart looking tactics board in a matt black carry-bag, eliciting some envious looks from the Chief, despite his 3 tactic board portfolio. Gaffers Gary and Nigel announced they had 11 players and were ready to rock and roll. It was game on at the tree end of Moss Farm.

Witton dominated from the start, with Alex in goal helping the cause with some clever short goal kicks as Tom also completely shut down the Frodsham attack on the left flank with a number of telling stops. Sam was busy on the right wing, with some penetrative runs and battling. Witton huffed and puffed but could not blow the door down (who has ever done that anyway??!), with overhead kicks, goalmouth pinball and woodwork being hit in a sequence of comedy wet-ball that had the manager cursing on the touchline. Despite the deadlock, Harry battled in midfield alongside Noah and a combination of their efforts led to a lung-busting breakaway goal from Keegan before half-time.

In the second half, Witton trotted out to a 5/10 “Go Witton” and began passing more effectively as the sun peeked from behind the clouds. Keegan added the second before Thomas stabbed home in a scramble. Sergeant Wilko was active in shutting down at left back, but more importantly he passed out magnificently from the back to create some effective attacks down the left. This activity made Finn and Luke somewhat jealous, and in turn they probed forward with some skillful runs; one such run creating the basis for Theo to cleverly turn and smash home his first of the season. Dan, prowling around in the holding role decided enough was enough, gave his weekly “maradonna” and then waltzed and bullied his way through 4 players to hit the back of the net, leaving Martin purring on the touchline, “hurry up Dan, we’ve got lunch in Wales” shouted the hungry Evertonian. Witton were now completely on top, with any attack from Frodsham being mopped up by Elliot, who showed some great distribution – with a giant throw helping to release a left-sided attack that ended with Fin looping a seemingly impossible volley into the net from an acute angle. As Frodsham slumped, Damien – pressing better today – sprinted onto a loose ball and smashed home to secure a new pair of boots.

Another good win for Witton, with the manager’s moaning confined to constant rumblings about houmous and wet bibs. The new gazebo monitor looked fairly happy, especially when he snapped one of the crucial metal arms and then announced that the crippled skeleton could not fit in his car. Nonetheless, social secretary Jodie was able to slip in some non-taxable gambling activities with her football cards game. Neil won with a clever pick, but then selflessly donated his winnings to the management beer fund. Reports that Jodie already appealed to the Court of Human Rights for the raised monies to go towards the team Christmas Do are already rife, “it’s only £1 and we offer the football cards to all, even your workplace” she stated after the match. Sources close to the social secretary briefed that there was little chance of the winnings being appropriated by the management beer fund, with the team credit Christmas default fund swap rate being the most likely beneficiary.

Captain’s Man of the Match: Keegan
Managers Man of the Match: Luke
Magic moment: Gritty, determined run for the first goal by Keegan
Quote of the day: “stop standing together like you’re going on a shopping trip”