Witton Albion JFC

After yet another “Frodshambles” the previous week, Witton were bleep tested into oblivion on Monday training and turned up on a lovely sunny Sunday morning ready to rock and roll. With the promise of a packet of Beef and Onion Walkers (other crisp brands are available) as the man of the match prize, a warm up consisting of Luke and Damien leathering balls into greater Winnington – it was game on against Cuddington led by the evergreen Shaun.

Witton, having been urged to keep possession, managed to keep the ball for about 3 passes before conceding possession, disaster then struck as Keegan fell awkwardly in a brave challenge and was whisked off the pitch and to hospital with a suspected broken arm. As the match restarted, Witton were looking somewhat lackadaisical but after Ollie created himself a couple of good chances the forward motion of Witton and a long ball forward from Harry led to Dan H lobbing the keeper cleverly. In defence, Witton looked at odds with themselves and after a second wave of attackers were undetected the ball squirmed agonisingly home for an equaliser despite some heroic efforts from Alex to keep the ball out. More warning signals followed as Cuddington, buoyed by the goal, streamed forward. However, Witton were also sprightly in attack and Luke was looking dangerous up front and after a Fin O attack down the left, Tyler was able to smash home his first goal for the club to earn a well-earned fiver from his brother, although sources close to Tyler indicate that he may have been a victim of “Corbyn-style” tax resulting in net income of just 20p in the pound. Dan, suspecting that the crisps may be tax-free, decided to put his name in the mix for the award by lobbing his second of the match from outside the box.

With the beef and onion crisps being waved around furiously at half time by the management team (possibly compromising their wavy, “thinly sliced potato style” look), the Albs started to impose themselves on the game with Tom A probing and defending very effectively down the right flank and Jack working hard in the middle of the pitch. With Elliot J producing a great sweeper-keeper rile, Damien practising overhead kicks for fun and Theo embarking on “Bale-like” sprints on the left wing It seemed only a matter of time before a fourth goal was added, so it proved, as Dan was able to shoot into the bottom corner after some good build-up play involving Thomas, who was unusually terrier-like in a right midfield role, earning a rare “well done” from a stern-faced Gary as he gazed over his domain by the dugout. The Albs then proceeded to put their feet up and despite some tough tackling from Elliot W, the stripes conceded two needless goals and resorted to booting the ball over the perimeter fence at every opportunity to waste time.

After this narrow win, the management were concerned about the weakness of the team in all areas but on reflection, it was a deserved win and the 3 points were on the board. “Where is the board and how do add the three points” enquired the bemused, woolly-hatted goalie coach as his long-suffering wife shook her head in exasperation in the dug-out. The management are now looking for a different type of team motivation technique as the award winners tossed the innocent crips on the turf for a merciless crushing under Damien’s boot. “Perhaps prawn cocktail will work” mused the clueless manager as he stood on his own in the middle of the pitch.

Captain’s man of the match: Dan H
Managers man of the match: Thomas
Magic moment: Theo sprinting 100 metres past 3 players
Quote of the day: “that’s for soft southerners that is”